An Adoption Story: Our Journey to Parenthood & Beyond

Time Flies

2009-03-11T13:51:00.005-05:00

I can't believe it has been nearly two years since my last post! Time sure does fly.

Our daughter is now 3 years old. A few things haven't changed. K is still feisty and spirited. She is still very independent and wants to do everything herself. She is still healthy and beautiful. What has changed is how much she has learned and grown.

Our little girl is now 41 1/4 inches tall at last check. She is taller than most children her age and is often as tall as many 4-year-olds. And she knows a lot of the same things a typical 4-year-old would know. She recognizes many colors, shapes and numbers. She can count to 20 in English and 10 in Spanish. She has known all of her letters for quite some time and knows the sounds that the letters make. She knows what vowels are. She can even spell her name and a few simple words! She is very observant, has an awesome memory and asks a lot of questions. K has been taking a dance class since the fall and is doing fantastic. She is a fast learner and loves to try new things. She amazes us on a daily basis.

We are getting ready to enroll her in nursery school for next fall. I think she will do well and improve her listening skills and social skills. I am thrilled with the wonderful little girl she has become and feel so blessed to have her in my life.

Hopefully, it won't be another two years before I update this blog. By then I will be getting ready to sign her up for Kindergarten! I'm not ready for that yet. I think I will enjoy having a preschooler for now. :)

They Grow So Fast

2007-06-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

I used to always hear people say that their children were growing up so fast. I didn't fully understand just how fast it feels until we had a child of our own.

"Yesterday" we brought a tiny little newborn baby girl home from the hospital. She cried a lot, needed to be held often and was pretty much helpless. She was completely dependent on us to meet her needs and keep her safe.

Today our baby is no longer a baby. She doesn't want to be held much unless she is upset or really tired. She would much rather be running around the house (and I do mean RUNNING), eager to explore everything and learn as much as she can. In fact, she is becoming more and more independent each day. She can feed herself small pieces of food, has been drinking from a cup for quite some time and can even climb up and down stairs. And she is far from tiny! Our little baby has magically transformed into a 35-inch toddler, which is more than a foot taller than she was at birth.

She also now has a mind of her own. For example, there are many days when she won't lay still for a diaper change because she would much rather play. And she recently became a picky eater -- shoving some foods away and insisting only on others. She also understands the word "no," but often doesn't listen or obey.

How did this happen? Where did the time go? I honesty don't know. What I do know is that I treasure every precious moment with her and enjoy the times when she needs me. Like when she wants to be rocked to sleep. Or when she wraps her arms around my legs and insists that I pick her up. And I especially love when she gives me kisses.

I know that one day she will grow into an independent young women. I just hope that when that day comes, we will still be close. Because along with learning how fast they grow, I also made another life-changing discovery: There is nothing more rewarding that the special bond between and mother and a daughter.

Putting Things in Perspective

2007-05-29T15:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was feeling depressed for no good reason. I am simply exhausted all the time and rarely am able to rest or relax. Part of it is because I am a busy mom. The other part is because I am a worrier, an overprotective parent and a perfectionist. So, after a fun but draining weekend up north, I found myself in a pretty down mood. My mom pointed out that no one is sick or dying, so I have no reason to be depressed. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but she was right.

Last night, my daughter woke up crying only 45 minutes after I put her to bed. After snuggling and rocking her for a few minutes, she was back to sleep. About 1 hour after that, she woke up crying again. This pattern continued throughout the entire night. My daughter woke up crying about every hour, a total of 9 times between bedtime and morning. Her longest stretch of sleep was 1 1/2 hours at around 4 a.m. At first I thought maybe she was teething again. But after about 4 rounds of calming her down, I realized she must be sick. Sure enough, during the night, she became congested, started coughing and developed a running nose.

Each time I would return to her room to comfort her, I didn't feel depressed or frustrated. Instead all I could think of was how I wanted so much to make her feel better. As I rocked her, I looked at her precious little face and thought of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful and amazing daughter. I enjoyed those cozy late-night moments we shared. And as I held her close, I thought how silly I was to be depressed earlier when I am so blessed.

Today I am obviously majorly sleep deprived. Those moments of rest and relaxation are few and far between. I have spent my day wiping a constantly running nose, monitoring my daughter's temperature (which was around 101.5 this afternoon) and comforting an uncomfortable and whiny child. But I am no longer feeling down. Instead I am solely focused on helping my daughter get well. I am being a mom in the biggest sense of the word.

And I couldn't ask for anything more.

Where Am I?

2007-05-20T10:12:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged much in a while because I have been busy being a mom. My days are packed with the challenges of caring for a curious and energetic toddler. And when I do have some free time, I often spend it trying to catch up on things around the house. All is going well. However, lately I have been realizing that I have forgotten about myself. I am so busy giving all I have to give to my family that there isn't much "me" left anymore. And I am starting to feel the effects of neglecting myself -- exhaustion and frustration. So, I am going to make an effort to focus on me just a little bit each day. I really need some time to unwind and clear my head. One way I will do this is by blogging. This blog is a great way to gather my thoughts, share my experiences with others and get feedback. Please feel free to send me your opinions, comments and questions.

For those of you who have never been to my blog before, you can catch up on my story by visiting these blog entries:

My First Post
The Day Our Daughter Was Born

Thanks for stopping by!

The Birth Parent Connection

2007-03-03T14:32:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how you can feel so much for someone you know so little about.

Since the day our daughter was born, I have often thought about her birth parents. Although we only met them briefly at the hospital and do not currently have any direct contact with them, we share a very important and powerful connection -- our daughter. I am so thankful to them for entrusting us with a very precious and special little girl who is the light of our lives. So it only makes sense that I care about their well-being. But my feelings for them go much deeper than just gratitude.

I often think about how they are feeling. I wonder if they have any regrets. I imagine what it must have been like to let go of their child, although I cannot even fathom the depth of their loss and pain. I always hope that they are doing o.k. and that they feel secure knowing that their baby is with a family who loves her very much and will always take excellent care of her.

Recently, I started thinking about our daughter's birth parent's relationship. Right before our daughter was born, her birth parents were hoping to get married in a couple of years and planned to have children one day when they were financially secure and emotionally ready. I wondered how placing a child for adoption would affect their relationship. I mean, relationships are hard enough without the added strain of pain and loss. They are both so young and haven't even been out on their own yet. How could their love and relationship endure so much? How would they deal with their grief? The more I thought about it, the more I started to fear that maybe they had broken up.

Come to find out, they had. Our daughter's birth parents are doing fine, but are no longer together. After hearing this, I cried. I felt sad for them. I hardly know them, but I know they have both been through so much. Of course, I wondered if their adoption choice played a role in their decision to end their relationship. But then I realized that even if it did, there was likely much more to the story that I am unaware of. Getting a tiny glimspe at a couple and the life they share in no way tells me what their relationship was like. There could have been issues between them before our daughter was even born. And maybe their decision to choose adoption was based in part on their uncertainty about their future together.

Whatever the reasons for their choices, I feel that our daughter was meant to be a part of our lives. It is as if she was chosen to be our child long before her birth parents even knew what they were going to do.

I guess some connections are just too powerful to question.

Thoughts from an "Older Parent"

2007-02-23T14:17:00.000-05:00

We've all heard the saying: "Wisdom comes with age." But what we haven't heard is that becoming a parent later in life isn't necessarily better. Sure, it's true that older parents are more settled and secure with their lives -- both emotionally and financially. They have often thought long and hard about becoming a parent and feel confident in their decision. What they may not have is the energy they need to be a parent, keep up with the housework and still feel good. I find myself in this category a lot more than I would like.

As an older parent, I feel I keep up with my one-year-old daughter pretty well. I chase her around the house all day and only use her pack and play when it is necessary, such as when I need to do laundry, write a few bills, etc. I do my best to play with her as much as possible and teach her new things every day.
I try to save my bigger household tasks for when she is napping (which isn't much) or when my husband is home. I feel it is important that she have a loving, fun, attentive mom as well as good teacher.

However, there are times when I just feel too exhausted to participate. I find myself watching instead of doing. I am still close by, usually sitting right on the floor with my daughter. However, I may not be teaching or explaining something to her. I may not be silly or fun or entertaining. Or I may still be doing those things, but with a lot less enthusiasm. Sometimes I feel bad for not being more interactive or energetic. I want so much to fill my daughter's days with fun activities to help her learn and grow. But I am human. I am 38, not 24. I just don't have the energy and drive I once did.

Do I wish I had children younger? Of course, I do! But then I wouldn't have the wonderful child I have today. So, despite my lack of energy, I wouldn't change the way things turned out. What I would like to change, however, it how I take care of myself. I believe that with age comes less energy, but I also know that my age is not the only source of my tiredness. When I became a mom I forgot about myself. I do this all the time. I don't eat well. I don't drink enough water. I rarely relax or rest or give myself time just for me. How can I expect to feel energetic when I never regroup and recoup?

Yes, it may be true that I lack the energy of a 20-something. But I am wise enough to know I can reclaim a little of my youth by doing what I did when I was younger -- taking care of me. Then maybe I can do more than just keep up with my daughter. Maybe I can actually feel good while I'm doing it.

Is One Enough?

2007-01-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

Many of us have pictured our families before they even existed. We have imagined the number of children we will have, whether they will be girls, boys or both, how far apart in age they will be and how old we will be when we have them. But reality is often much different than we expect.

I had always thought I would have two children some day and planned to have them both by the time I was 30. However, we welcomed our daughter -- our first and only child -- into our lives just a short time before my 37th birthday. Now, nearly a year later, we are wrestling with the decision of whether or not to have a second child. Although I had once wanted two kids, I am perfectly happy with the one child I have. I couldn't imagine a more wonderful daughter. And I don't really feel like I need to have more kids. Our family is perfect just the way it is.

Of course, I have my concerns over what having an only child entails. Although research shows there is no difference in the social, emotional and educational development of only children when compared to children with siblings, I still question how being raised alone will affect my daughter. Will she be lonely? Will she become selfish or spoiled? Will she be angry at me for not giving her a sister or brother?

I also feel like my daughter may need someone to grow up with. She loves kids and has a great time when she is with her cousins. But it is not the same as having a little brother or sister to play with, dream with and share your worries. My sister is one of the best friends I have ever had, and I couldn't imagine life without her. I certainly don't want my daughter to miss out of that kind of relationship and closeness.

But having two children is not a decision to take lightly. My husband and I are already exhausted raising one child. We are getting older and have just a couple of years left before we turn the big 4-0. Because the domestic adoption process is often long and unpredictable, we could very well find ourselves in our 40s by the time we bring home another newborn. I certainly had never wanted or planned to have a baby in my 40s. The whole thing leaves me wondering: Would I have the energy to handle two children? Would my relationship with my daughter suffer because I no longer have as much time to devote to her?

There are definitely pros and cons to having a single child and to having more than one. It is such a big and important decision that I'm not convinced I'm ready to make. I don't feel a burning desire to have another child right now, but I know that I'm running out of time to decide.

So, here I sit in limbo. One child is definitely great, and I am thankful to be my daughter's mom. But is one enough?

What do you think?

The Day She Was Born

2006-02-06T14:54:00.000-05:00

We awoke to a fresh blanket of snow, which gently covered the grass and trees. My husband grabbed his camera to capture the beautiful and peaceful scene that greeted us the day baby K was due to be born. We thought this first photo would be a special thing to share with K someday.

We continued to enjoy the scenery through our doorwall while eating breakfast. We chatted about the day ahead and remarked at how we couldn't believe we had gotten to this point. We would actually be heading to the hospital later in the day for the birth of a precious baby girl. We were both nervous and excited, happy and sad. We knew that it would be an emotional day for both us and the birth family. And we had no idea how they would react or what to expect.

A million thoughts ran through my mind that morning. I hope the birth mom, D, is doing well and has an easy labor. I hope all goes well at the hospital when we meet the birth parents for the first time. Of course, I couldn't help but wonder, what if they don't like us? What if they change their minds? I prayed several times that morning for the birth family, for the baby and for us. Every time the phone rang -- which was many times -- I jumped. Is this it?

The actual call to head to the hospital came just after lunch.

At the hosptial, we met the birth parents' families for the first time in the waiting room. They were all very nice and friendly. They asked us a few questions and seemed to warm up to us right away. The birth dad's sister remarked how I looked as nervous as the birth mom, and we all had a good laugh. D's parents told us how they truly believed their daughter was making the right decision, but that they were emotionally torn. Although they never actually cried in front of us, their eyes filled with tears several times. My did also. They seemed very glad to meet us and said their daughter would be reassured once she got to meet us also.

About an hour later, the birth dad's mom told us that D & D were ready to meet us. We entered the room to find a young, attractive couple who obviously cared deeply about each other. They briefly explained their reasons for adoption: they were enable to care for a baby at this point in their lives or provide her with the life they wanted her to have. There was so much sadness on their faces, and it was clear they loved the baby and wanted the very best for her. We told them how grateful we were to them for giving us this wonderful opportunity. We talked for a few minutes and then returned to the waiting room.

We spent the next couple of hours in the waiting room with the birth parents' families. Once the baby was born, D's parents told us to come to her room with them. I told them that they should go first because I thought it was important that they have a little time alone. I asked them to just come back to get us when they were ready.

About 20 minutes later (the longest 20 minutes of my life), D's parents returned. The first thing they said to us was: "Are you ready to meet your baby?" We nodded and headed with them to the room.

Meeting baby K was bittersweet. She was so beautiful and precious. We couldn't believe she was finally here. We were thrilled to meet her. On the other hand, we were so sad for the birth parents. There was so much powerful emotion in the room -- both joy and sorrow. D was holding the baby when we entered and shortly after handed her to me. We all got pictures of the birth parents and the baby. The birth parents' families also got pictures of us with baby K. Then we all hugged and the nurses took the baby to the nursery.

And from that moment on, we have been her parents.

Life With a New Baby

2006-01-30T08:24:00.000-05:00

I've always heard that becoming a parent changes you. I just never understood exactly what that meant until now.

Since bringing home baby K nearly 2 weeks ago, I've become a different person. My life has new meaning and purpose. Every day I make choices and plans that affect the life of this special little person. I am always thinking of what it best for her and my goal is to ensure she is happy, healthy, secure and loved.

Of course, as any new parent knows, this can be a challenge at times. It isn't always easy to know she wants. And it can be very draining trying to calm a crying baby at 2 a.m. But it the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. I no longer feel like something is missing from my life. Each day brings a joy I had never before experienced.

I marvel in the little things she does -- the way she looks at me so intently when I sing or talk to her, the way her tiny hand firmly grips my finger, that little smile that creeps across her face every now and then. (I know many believe it is only "gas" at this point, but her smile still melts my heart.) I also find it interesting to watch her observe her environment. At only 2 weeks old, it just amazes me how alert and curious she is. She is always looking around checking things out. She will even turn her head to look at me when she hears my voice -- even when I am in a different area of the room.

I can't say that every moment with her has been easy or carefree. But I can say that we are adjusting quite well to being parents. We are enjoying each day and look forward to watching her learn and grow. We are so grateful to be blessed with this amazing, healthy and beautiful child. She is truly our daughter in every way that matters, and we couldn't love her or cherish her any more than we do.

In other words, life with a new baby is good!

--------------------------
Stay tuned for the story of the day K was born and our experience at the hospital with her birth family.

Home At Last

2006-01-20T19:10:00.000-05:00

Last night the most amazing thing happened -- we brought our precious baby girl K home from the hospital with us. We had a very emotional but good experience with her birth family and are glad we had the chance to meet and spend some time with them.

After the birth, we spent several hours at the hospital on Wednesday, as well as the whole day yesterday, in the nursery getting to know our new daughter. We are so glad she is finally home now!

Of course, we have a few adoption process details and paperwork to finish up before things are official, but so far all is going well. I am very, very sleep deprived (only slept about 1 hour last night and 20 minutes this afternoon), so I will write more another day.

Thank you all for your good wishes!

She's Being Induced!

2006-01-16T20:39:00.000-05:00

We're in the home stretch! The expectant mom we're matched with is being induced this Wednesday. If all goes well, we could be bringing home a baby by the end of the week! I can't believe this is happening. We are so close, but it just doesn't seem real yet.

After hearing the news, my husband and I went out for a nice, quiet dinner alone -- possibly our last one before becoming parents. We are both amazingly calm. We have no major concerns and feel good about everything.

Hopefully, my next post will be about our experience at the hospital. I guess this is it -- please wish us luck!

Almost There

2006-01-14T13:16:00.000-05:00

The expectant mom is doing well and is now dilated to 3 cm. She could go into labor any day. We are now just waiting for the call to head to the hospital. We have never been this close to becoming parents before and are hoping that all goes well. Please keep us, the potential birth mom and the baby in your thoughts and prayers!

Could We Be Expecting?

2006-01-05T14:52:00.000-05:00

As we enter the final weeks of waiting for the call that the expectant mom is in labor, I find myself filled with a variety of emotions.

First, there is the eager anticipation that goes along with waiting for any important event. I can't wait until all of this waiting is over and look forward to the day when it will all come to a conclusion.

Then, there is the excitement. (Yes, my efforts to guard my heart and protect myself from being hurt again by not getting too excited have failed.) As the due date gets closer, I find myself more and more excited. I just can't help it. I have waited to be a mom for so long that I cannot just ignore the fact that it very well could happen this time. And, as my wise husband said the other day, the outcome will be the same whether you get excited or not, so you may as well be excited!

I also find myself feeling nervous. What if the potential birth mom changes her mind? Am I really ready for this? How will we adjust to having a new baby? Will I be overwhelmed? The funny thing is that throughout our entire adoption journey I have always been afraid of things not working out. I have feared that we will never be parents. Now, I am afraid that it will happen. I know that sounds funny, but as much as I want children and feel that we are really ready, I still have the normal fear that every expectant parent experiences -- the fear of the unknown. How can you not be a little scared of such a big, life-changing event?

So, I guess you could say we're expecting. And as each day goes by, we feel more and more like soon-to-be parents.

All Is Well

2005-12-21T10:42:00.000-05:00

Everything is still going well with our adoption match. Our social worker called the other day with an update and told us some very positive things.

The potential birth parents, D & D, are still confident in their decision. The expectant mom and baby are doing well (but no signs of labor yet). They also had a couple more requests, which we consider to be a good sign. First, they would like us to be at the hospital during the birth and don't mind seeing and meeting us there. (Originally, they didn't want to meet at all and were interested in a closed adoption with no contact.) Second, they have decided they would like pictures and letters once per year.

I was so glad to hear some encouraging news right before the holidays. It really seems like things are coming together. The potential birth parents are thinking their adoption plan through and figuring out what they want. Everything just feels right. I sure hope that it all works out! This situation is absolutely perfect for us, and this is the only time in our 2 year adoption journey when we can say that.

Maybe our dreams of becoming parents will finally come true.

Touched by a Real-Life Angel

2005-12-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

God has a very special baby in mind for you and that's why you've had to wait so long.

A very special lady told me this just a few weeks ago. That amazing woman is my aunt, a person whose courage, strength, determination and spirit have inspired me and all those around her.

My aunt has been battling cancer for the past year. She has been through radiation, several rounds of chemo, hospitalizations and a lot of sickness. But through it all her spirit has remained unbreakable, and she has never lost her sense of humor. She is truly a beautiful person inside and out.

Before getting sick, my aunt devoted her life to taking care of others. She was there for those who needed her. And even today she still thinks of others and always has an encouraging word for everyone. She has followed our adoption story with great interest and hope, and has always told me she knows there will be a baby one day.

Unfortunately, my aunt is losing her battle with cancer. Just the other day we heard the sad news that she has only 3 months to live. As the family cried, she told everyone not to worry, that she would be fine. She plans to live life to the fullest in her final days. She believes that everyone was put on this earth for a purpose and that she has fulfilled hers.

I am so proud to call her my aunt. It breaks my heart that she will be leaving us sooner than we had hoped. But before she goes, I have one special wish: that she can see, meet and hold our precious child -- the one she always knew was coming even when I doubted it myself.

Now the Waiting Really Begins

2005-12-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

The adoption process is always about waiting and wondering. Now that our wait to be matched with a potential birth mom is finally over, the real -- and most difficult -- wait has begun. We are now waiting for the baby to be born and wondering if the expectant couple will follow through with their adoption plans.

Just the other day I read a statistic that 50 percent of birth parents who make an adoption plan change their minds. I don't know what research that figure is based on or how accurate it is, but it scared me anyway. Having the birth parents change their minds is one of my biggest fears. It is even more alarming to think that our chances of bringing home a baby next month are the equivalent of a coin toss! And even if we do bring the baby home, we will still need to wait until the birth parents go to court (possibly a month later) before we will know that the child is staying. We know things could go either way, but are hoping the odds are more in our favor than not.

So far they seem to be. The potential birth parents are young, unmarried and going to school. They've already considered parenting and feel that they aren't ready. They've thought about adoption and discussed it a great lengths. And, the expectant mom's parents are very supportive. But there is just never any way to know how things will turn out in the end. Having the baby and holding her could change everything. We just have to wait and see.

For me, this wait will be harder than the wait to be matched because there is nothing I can really do in the meantime. I no longer need to network to find a potential birth mom. I don't need to search for children on the Internet. I can't have a baby shower or even run out and buy cute baby girl clothes. I can't e-mail or call the potential birth mom to see how she is doing or how she is feeling, since she's opted for no direct contact. I can't even let myself feel the excitement soon-to-be parents feel, for fear I will be disappointed if things don't work out. So, I am forced to wait -- possibly 42 days if the baby is born on her due date. Although that is just around the corner, it seems like an eternity.

For the next six weeks of my life, I will be waiting. I will wait to hear how the expectant mom's pregnancy is progressing. I will wait for the call that she is in labor. I will wait for the precious baby girl to be born. And then I will wait to see if we will be her parents. Hopefully, it will all be worth waiting for in the end.

The Moment We've Been Waiting For

2005-12-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

Last night we got some very good news. Our social worker called to tell us that the potential birth parents she met with for the second time have decided to move forward with an adoption plan and have picked us. If all continues to go well and they don't change their minds, we could be bringing home a baby girl sometime next month.

We are really hoping this works out, but we know that it is not a sure thing until the potential birth parents go to court (which could be the end of February or even the beginning of March).

Please continue to pray for us and send some good thoughts our way!

How I Got Here

2005-12-02T12:42:00.000-05:00

Six years ago today I was supposed to give birth to our first child. As many of you know, losing the baby was one of the most painful times in my life. But like most struggles, it taught me a few things and shaped me into the person I am today.

Because of my losses, I have become stronger and more resilient. I have learned to let go more and to better accept the lack of control I have over my life. And I have become more patient -- a trait that is very important when dealing with the length and unpredictibility of the adoption process.

Of course, if I could go back in time and change the outcome of my pregnancies, I definitely would. One thing I would not change is having the opportunity to experience pregnancy. I may not have children yet, but I know what it feels like to be pregnant. I've felt the joy of seeing a plus sign on my home pregnancy test. I've felt the rush of hormones, the hot flashes, the food cravings and the nausea. When others talk about how they felt when they were pregnant, I can actually relate. And for that I am thankful.

I may not have a labor story to share, but my journey to parenthood is just as rich and eventful as a woman who gave birth. My past has brought me to where I am today and will one day bring me to the child we were meant to have.

Still Hanging in There

2005-11-26T11:17:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a while since I last posted. The reason I haven't written is because there is nothing new going on.

Our social worker has a 2nd meeting set up with the potential birth parents from our home state on December 4. That seems like such a long time off! We have still been hoping and praying that they will decide to move forward with an adoption plan. When our social worker first told us about this situation, she seemed optimistic. When I last talked to her, she seemed a lot more unsure of how things would pan out.

In other news, "S," the teen college student who contacted us about a month ago from out of state has still been e-mailing us. In her last note on Nov. 17, she asked if we had thought of any baby names and said she was going home over Thanksgiving break. She is still very tentative about her adoption plans. She hasn't spoken to our agency, even though I have suggested that it might help her on more than one occasion. She is not working with an agency or an attorney in her home state yet either. I feel like things aren't really going anywhere with her, but she is still in contact with us, so I guess you never know! If nothing else, she is becoming one of my e-mail buddies, someone to talk to about weekend plans and chat about life in general.

Other than that, there is not much else to tell. I really hope something works out for us soon. It has been far too long. We have seen so many holidays come and go, and every year we keep thinking it will be the last one we spend without a child. I always cry a little around the holidays. It is such a special time with our families, but it always feels like something is missing.

Hoping for a Christmas miracle ...

Too Soon to Tell

2005-11-16T21:37:00.000-05:00

We heard from our social worker tonight. The meeting with the potential birth parents went well, and they are still interested in us. However, they haven't yet committed to us, our agency or an adoption plan. Our social worker has another meeting set up with them in a few weeks and hopes to know more then. So, we are still not yet matched. I guess it is just too soon to tell if this will work out. We'll just have to wait and see.

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

2005-11-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

Without a doubt, the hardest part of the adoption process is the waiting. And today the wait has been especially hard.

I have been waiting for the phone to ring all day to hear the news of whether or not we are matched with a potential birth mom. This is one of the most important calls of our entire adoption journey. But for some reason it is very slow in coming.

Last I heard, the potential birth mom was very interested in us, and our social worker was meeting in person with her. Since we were going to be out of town for a couple of days, our social worker told us to give her a call when we returned and she would fill us in on what she found out.

When we returned from our trip today, I called our social worker right away, eager to hear the news. I left her a message and have been waiting to hear back. My husband and I were hoping to hear something today, but now I don't know if we will or not.

Of course, I am full of questions. Is not hearing anything yet a good sign or a bad sign? Did the potential birth mom show up for the meeting? Is she still interested in us? Did she change her mind? Unfortunately, I don't know the answers to any of these questions.

I know that many of you have been patiently waiting right along with us, and I really wish I had some news to share. But for now, I just don't know anything. Maybe the phone will ring soon ...

Just an Ordinary Day?

2005-11-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

Today started out as an ordinary day. And then the phone rang.

It was our social worker. She had a potential birth mom to tell us about. As she described the situation to us, everything sounded good. I tried not to get too excited because the expectant mom hasn't picked us yet and even if she does, she could still change her mind at any time. I reminded myself of how many potential birth moms had already contacted us, but in the end didn't work out.

I hung up the phone feeling somewhat hopeful, but still guarding my heart. I called my husband at work, but he wasn't there. As I left a message on his voice mail, I realized I was starting to sound excited.

After I called him, I prayed. I called my sister. She didn't answer either. I called my mom. I sent e-mails to some of our family and friends. By the time I finished doing all of this, I was shaking and practically in tears. My attempts to guard my heart and not get too excited had failed.

But how can I not be excited? After all the struggles we've faced trying to become parents, this tiny bit of hope is like a bright star in a dark sky. I can't just ignore it and pretend it isn't there.

So even though we have no way of knowing if this will work out, I am still going to bask in the moment. I am going to enjoy this little bit of hope. I am going to cling to it and hope it brings us to the child we've waited so long for.

New Month, New Contact

2005-11-04T11:09:00.000-05:00

We begin a new month with a new potential birth mom contact.

Just a few days ago, a young college student "S" from another state sent us an e-mail. Since then, she and I have been e-mailing back and forth. She and her boyfriend "R" are expecting a baby in about 4 months. They believe adoption is the best choice for them because they want to finish college and start their careers. So far they seem like a nice couple.

I have no idea if this will work out or not, and I am trying not to get my hopes up. But it is certainly great to have a new lead!

In the world of adoption, you just never know what can happen or when.

Sweet 16

2005-10-28T15:45:00.000-05:00

On Monday we got an e-mail from the 16th potential birth mom since being listed on ParentProfiles.com in April.

A 19-year-old girl, C, said she is "very pregnant." She told us she is very interested in us and loved our profile. She added to please e-mail her if we are still looking to adopt and that she would be happy to answer any questions we have.

Of course, I e-mailed her right away and asked what state she's from and when she's due. I also asked that she tell us a little more about herself. I made sure to tell her to call or e-mail us anytime and feel free to ask us any questions she has. Strangely, despite her strong interest, we have heard nothing more from her.

Maybe we will hear from her again. Or maybe we won't. In any case, I've learned not to get too excited about every contact, like I did in the beginning. Experience has taught me that many times an e-mail is just an inquiry, not an opportunity to actually adopt a child.

Hopefully, opportunity will come knocking soon.

My Child

2005-10-24T14:07:00.000-05:00

I've wished for you for many years
Searched near and far, cried many tears
Devoted my life to finding you
You're out there somewhere -- I know it's true

I cannot see you, but I can feel
My love for you is very real
The wait's been long and sometimes rough
Some days I think I've had enough

But somehow I still hang on tight
I know in my heart that this is right
Yet unknown and still unseen
You'll come home one day, fulfill my dream

(10/24/05)

The above poem and photo are the original work of Deanna K and cannot be duplicated or reprinted without permission. Copyright 2005

It Wasn't Part of the Plan

2005-10-19T15:55:00.000-05:00

"Life is what happens while you're making other plans."

I read this quote on a tea bag once when I was a teenager and in recent years have learned just how true it is.

I have always been a planner and like to think ahead. I get a great sense of satisfaction when everything works out according to my plan. Several times in my life, my planning skills have created many wonderful experiences for me.

As a teenager (see photo at age 15), I often wrote poetry and short stories and dreamed of becoming a writer. I even decided which company I would one day work for, even though others had basically told me to "dream on." One person even said: "Everyone wants to be a writer. It just doesn't happen." Well, for me it did. I set goals for myself, worked very hard and landed a writing job with the company I had always wanted to work for in my mid-20s. It was all part of my plan, and I was determined to make sure it happened!

My awesome planning skills also enabled my husband and me to have the perfect wedding 10 years ago. Everything was exactly how we dreamed it would be, and we wouldn't have changed a thing.

Of course, there were other times when things did not go according to my plan.

For instance, I had intended to have two children by the time I was 30. I later changed that goal to age 35. Now, as I am just months away from my 37th birthday, my plan has changed yet again. I hope to complete my family by age 40.

Am I disappointed that things turned out the way they did? Of course I am! I never expected to have such a difficult time starting a family. Even so, I am looking forward to the family we will one day create and know that when that day comes, I will be thankful -- and no plan is needed for that!

They Come & Go

2005-10-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

Potential birth moms come. And then they go. That seems to be a common trend for us and, I suspect, for many other couples waiting to adopt. An expectant mom e-mails you and when you reply or call her, she goes away. This happened to us again just today.

We received an e-mail from a pregnant teen in a nearby city. She said she had recently found out she was pregnant and that her family was pressuring her to either have an abortion or place the baby for adoption. She saw our profile online and thought we seemed like a nice couple. She gave us her phone number and asked us to call her.

When I called today, she seemed hesistant to talk. I asked her if she wanted me to call her back at a better time, and she said to give her 45 minutes and then call again. I had a strong feeling I would be unable to reach her when I tried again -- and I was right! Her phone rang several times and I got her voice mail. I left her a message with our 800 number and haven't heard back.

I don't know if she will contact us again or not, but I certainly hope she does! I have a feeling she is scared and chickened out of talking to me. I think that many times women facing unplanned pregnancies are overwhelmed, confused and unsure of what to do. When they do hear back from a potential adoptive family, reality sets in and they realize the significance of the whole situation. Some will talk to you about how they are feeling; others will just run. Some believe that adoption is the best choice for them and their child, while many are unsure and need time to think things over. I understand this, but it doesn't make our wait any easier.

It is hard to get your hopes up over and over again, only to be disappointed. When talking to our social worker recently, she said that she is amazed at how well I am handling all of this. She's surprised I haven't just lost it by now because most people would have. I told her that I have good days and bad days.

Some days I cry. Other days I feel angry and frustrated. But then the hope sets in again and I am driven to find us a child and have the family we've always dreamed of. If I just fell apart, then how could I focus on accomplishing this?

Hang It Up and Celebrate

2005-10-07T13:43:00.000-05:00

What do hang ups and celebrations have in common? Usually nothing. But today I am experiencing both. Read on to find out more!

Last night we heard from a new potential Michigan birth mom who contacted us through ParentProfiles.com. We talked for a few minutes today and she told me a little about her situation. She said she hadn't talked to anyone about adoption and didn't know anyone who was interested. I said that I would be happy to answer any questions she has and that I could also give her our agency's number if she would like to know more about how the adoption process works. She then abruptly and deliberately hung up on me!

My guess is that she is either afraid of talking to an adoption professional or was just too upset to talk further with me. I debated about calling her right back, but didn't want to pressure or bug her. If and when she is ready, she has our number.

It was surprising and disappointing that our call ended the way it did, but I refuse to let it get me down today. It is a very special day for my husband and me. Tonight we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary! Ironically, we will be returning to the place we met. We didn't plan it that way, but are excited things turned out the way they did.

In honor of the occasion, here's a toast: to a strong and enduring love, a bright future and hopefully no more hang ups!

Please Give Me a Break

2005-10-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning in a good mood. I was excited that the furniture for our future child's room was going to be delivered. I thought that finishing the room would bring us luck and make us feel more like we will be parents one day soon. I never expected that there would be a problem.

I got up early because the sales clerk at the store had told me that they start delivering at 8 a.m. She said that the delivery person would call either the night before or first thing in the morning to give me a 2-hour delivery timeframe. But I never heard from anyone last night or first thing this morning.

I decided around 9 a.m. to check into it and find out when they were coming. After 4 phone calls to various numbers trying to get info about our order, I finally got some answers. The store clerk -- who was very nice and apologetic -- did some checking and discovered that our furniture was delivered to the store, but never loaded on the truck for delivery to us!! No one knows why it happened. So now the customer service manager is going to talk to the person in receiving to try to get this mess cleared up. The clerk told me they may need to re-ring the entire purchase and schedule a new delivery date. They are not sure what will need to happen next, but will call me back later today.

So here I sit waiting. (This feels all too familar!) Just like everything else in my life that pertains to having children, things are complicated. Can't anything in our journey to become parents go smoothly? I don't mean to complain, but this just all seems so unfair. The more that goes wrong in our quest to start a family, the more I wonder: Are these problems all just signs that it isn't meant to be? Am I fighting against fate and losing the battle? I sure hope not!

I've been patient. I've been strong. I've lost 2 children. I've suffered. I've worked like crazy to find us a child. Isn't that enough? Can't someone please just give me a break?

Strength & Determination Will Carry Me Through

2005-10-04T19:57:00.000-05:00

I've never considered myself a strong person, even though friends and family have told me I am. I've always wondered how they could possibly think I'm strong when I'm so emotional. I seem to feel things and be affected by people and events more than the typical person. I recently learned that being emotional is not synonomous with being weak.

In the past few weeks, I've heard numerous comments from others about the strength and determination I've shown throughout our difficult journey to become parents. A few people have even told me that I inspire them! The amazing part is that some of these comments are from people I've never even met, but have communicated with through e-mail or on an adoption forum. Here are a couple of my favorite comments:

"Dee, even though I am fairly new to the boards, I felt a surge of excitement reading about your two possibilities back to back. I'm so sad for you that they are coming out this way, but your strength is very admirable and encouraging." -H, forum member

"I'm inspired by your continued dedication to finding your child, and your determination to stay positive. I know both are extremely hard to maintain(even though you've showed such grace)...so my hat's off to you and your resolute spirit." -C, soon-to-be adoptive parent

The first time someone made a comment about how strong I am despite our many disappointments, I thought: "I'm not strong. I cry and get depressed just like everyone else." After a few more comments, I quickly realized that despite the sadness and disappointment, I keep going and refuse to give up. And that is a true indication of my inner strength.

So even though we have no potential adoption leads right now, I am still busy networking to find a child. I never imagined the wait would be this hard or long, but my strength and determination will carry me through.

I Feel Like Nesting

2005-09-27T16:45:00.000-05:00

It's been about a week and a half since we last heard from birth mom T from Michigan. I have a feeling that we won't be hearing from her again. But despite this latest disappointment, I have the urge to NEST!

Yesterday I began removing wallpaper in our laundry room. It is a very tedious and time-consuming task, but I like the feeling of accomplishment. I've wanted to remove the ugly turquoise wallpaper from the previous owners for quite some time now. When our latest adoption situations didn't work out, I decided it was the perfect time to tackle a project in our home. I certainly won't have much time for extra projects once we bring home a new baby! So, after about 4 hours, the wallpaper removal is about 80% complete. Once it is done, I will need to patch the drywall underneath and then I will paint the room Parisian Taupe.

I have also been thinking about finishing our future baby's room. I've held off so far because I didn't want to count my chickens before they hatched. But with so much adoption activity lately, I think it is a good time to get prepared. I already washed some onesies and baby clothes when we thought we were going to Texas to bring home a child. I also sterlized some bottles, picked up a car seat and stroller my mom had been saving for us, and borrowed a bassinet and more baby clothing from my sister. Later this week, my mom and I are going to order a dresser and crib for the room. My husband and I picked out the set quite some time ago and it is on sale until Friday. It just seems like the right time to get the room set up.

I've heard of pregnant women nesting like crazy before their child arrives. I may not be pregnant, but I definitely feel like an expectant mom more and more each day. Maybe these nesting activities will bring us good luck!

Thankful

2005-09-21T21:57:00.000-05:00

Whenever things don't seem to be going the way I planned, I always try to remind myself of what I have to be thankful for.

Throughout our journey to parenthood, we've been touched by the outpouring of support from our family and friends. We are truly thankful for everyone's kind words, thoughts and prayers. So many people are cheering us on and waiting to share in our joy when we finally bring our child home. We are blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives!

Here are some other things I appreciate:

My amazing husband

Our beautiful yard and gardens

The ducks, rabbits, herons and other critters we see in our backyard

A relaxing walk on a beautiful sunny day

My fun exercise class

Having my sister and her family close by

Making baby nephew Brandon smile

The close relationship I have with my family

Having a niece who adores me as much as I adore her

Looking and feeling younger than my age

Achieving my dream of becoming a published writer

Being able to help others, whether by listening or assisting them with projects & tasks

A long soak in the jacuzzi tub filled with bubbles

Being healthy, happy and secure

When I look around at all that I have and all that I've accomplished, I can't help but feel thankful.

Another Bump in the Road

2005-09-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

Our most recent situation with birth mom T from our home state has unfortunately hit a snag. She never showed up for her appointment with the social worker yesterday and no one has heard from her. I can only guess what this means. She may have changed her mind or is uncertain of her decision. She may not be for real. It is disappointing, of course, but we are o.k. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Back on the Home Front

2005-09-20T15:21:00.000-05:00

Many people have asked if we've heard anything more from potential birth mom T in our home state.

Our last contact with her was on Friday. She had spoken to our agency and was scheduling a meeting with one of the social workers for early this week. She still seemed very interested in meeting with us soon, so we expect to hear something in the next couple of days.

So far my contact with her has been very positive. We've e-mailed back and forth several times over the past 2 weeks. She seems nice and has asked us a lot of questions. T has also been extremely open with us and has answered our many questions. I really like her, and our agency also seems excited about her.

Of course, there is no way to predict if this will work out for us or not. But whatever happens, we still believe that we are closer than ever to becoming parents.

We Were Deceived

2005-09-18T11:48:00.000-05:00

I recently read an article on adoption scams that said it is very difficult to tell the difference between a potential birth mom who is legit and one who is a scammer. I learned this week just how true that is.

It turns out that sweet birth mom J from Texas was going by at least 3 different names and trying to get money from adoptive parents around the country. I learned this by posting a message on one of the adoption forums to see if anyone else had been contacted by an expectant mom from Texas recently. I didn't use any names, but mentioned the town she was from and said our agency had reason to believe she was working with multiple families. I received several responses, all with strikingly similar stories and identical due dates, but different names.

So, the scared young girl who called us and our social worker at 6 a.m. because she had just spent the night in the emergency room and didn't know how she was going to pay for her medications was actually an experienced con artist. She knew how to make us feel sorry for her and she tried everything she could think of to get us to send money. Luckily, we're smarter than that. We know better than to send money to directly to a birth mom -- especially one who wasn't even seen by an adoption professional. Unfortunately, others I have talked to did actually send money to this girl. And when they became suspicious of her and stopped, she stopped contacting them.

The thing that bothers me most about all of this is that she played with people's emotions. She prayed on kind, loving couples who longed for a child. She exploited people who were the most vulnerable: those who had struggled with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. People who had already grieved and suffered and lost, but were opening their hearts to her and really cared.

In the end, we all lost again -- hope, time, faith, the child we all thought we were flying to Texas to bring home, and for some, money. Every couple who was contacted by this woman expended a great deal of energy and emotion on this situation. And much like our past struggles to have a child, we all once again ended up with nothing.

But I guess that's just all part of the adoption journey.

A Quiet Day

2005-09-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

I spent the day yesterday caught up in the excitement, stress and drama of the potential situation with birth mom J from Texas. After the early morning wake up call, J called our agency 4 times! She spoke with the agency director and even finally contacted an attorney. The situation seemed promising once again, and I continued preparing for a possible trip to Texas. But unfortunately there were still some problems.

The attorney J called, who is someone her dad knows, did not have any experience with interstate adoptions and had no idea how they worked. He also wouldn't even meet with J unless we paid him first. Since we would also need an attorney in Texas to complete the adoption, he gave our agency a couple of numbers for us to call.

I called one attorney and spoke to his legal assistant. I then shared what I had found out with our agency director. She expressed great concern with how the adoption would be handled. She was bothered by the fact that the birth mom would receive absolutely no emotional support or contact from the attorney and would be treated like a paperwork case. I agreed that I didn't like the way they operated. So, the director came up with a better idea. She decided that if she contacted the social worker at the hospital J was planning to deliver at, she could possibly get some recommendations of good reputable adoption attorneys and agencies J could work with. She called J right away to find out which hospital, but got her voice mail. She left J a message to call either her or our social worker. That was early yesterday afternoon.

I also called J yesterday afternoon to see how she was doing, but got her voice mail and left a message as well. Today I sent J an e-mail saying we were worried about her and to please contact us. We've still heard nothing more from her.

I've tried to figure out what could be up with her. Is she having medical problems or in labor? Is she unsure of her adoption plan or has she changed her mind? Is she emotionally unstable? Is she really legit? Quite frankly, I'm puzzled by the whole thing.

What I do know is that in the past week, she has gone from seeming very interested in us and ready to make an adoption plan right away to not returning phone calls and e-mails 3 times! Our agency has advised us not to move forward until we can establish that she's actually pregnant, is sincere about adoption, and isn't working with multiple families. Unfortunately, since J has never met with an adoption professional, we have been unable to establish any of those things.

Another thing that bothers me: This morning as I was thinking about my conversations with J, I realized that in most of them her primary focus has been her medical expenses and poor financial state, not the welfare of her child. It seems odd to me that her priority seems to be money and not her baby.

So, at this point we just don't know what to think. And as I sit here in our quiet house, I am more and more convinced that an adoption with J just isn't going to happen.

The Drama That Is My Life

2005-09-14T07:52:00.000-05:00

Around 6 a.m. I got a wake up call.

Our social worker called to tell us that the potential birth mom J from Texas had gone to the emergency room last night. Her blood sugar was really high and she is anemic. J had called our worker to ask for her help in contacting a pharmacy about her medication and also an attorney in Texas. Apparently she is still interested in us.

Right after I got off the phone with our worker, J called us directly. She was really stressed out about her medical problems and not having an adoption plan yet. I did my best to support her and calm her down. She said the doctor was postponing her C-section because he wanted her to do insulin shots and take iron for a few days. He was concerned if they induced her on Friday as planned that she would hemmorage to death. I really feel for this girl. She is just so overwhelmed with everything right now. I am not sure if she knows what she wants or what to do, but I certainly don't want give up on her or this potential situation.

So now our worker is going to contact an attorney in Texas for J and have him call her to discuss her adoption plan. I still don't know if this will work out for us or not. I have no idea if we are heading to Texas soon or staying home. Everything is so uncertain.

This is the drama that is my life, and I am just along for the ride.

Update on Two Birth Moms

2005-09-13T08:14:00.000-05:00

I called potential birth mom J in Texas today. She seemed surprised to hear from me. I asked her how she was doing and if she was able to find an attorney or agency in Texas to work with. She said she hadn't contacted anyone because she didn't know if she was supposed to. Huh? Last I talked to her she was ready to get things moving and had planned to call an adoption professional right away.

Anyway, J said that she did get a message from our social worker on Monday, but that the message got cut off and she didn't have her number to call her back. I gave her our agency's 800 number again and she said she would call them right away and call me back. I never heard from her after that.

I did hear from the other potential birth mom T from our home state. She is now working with our agency and is still very interested in us. She said she wants to meet us soon and even mentioned that she wants me to be her labor coach and cut the cord!

I'm not sure what will happen, but it sure has been an interesting week!

Yes, No or Maybe So

2005-09-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

Everything really seemed to be coming together with potential birth mom J from Texas over the weekend. I had another opportunity to speak with her, and our social worker also spoke to her. Everything sounded great and it was really looking like we were going to be heading to Texas on Friday to be there for the birth and adopt this baby boy. Today I am not so sure.

Our agency gave J some phone numbers of reputable agencies and attorneys in Texas on Saturday, so that she could contact them and choose one to handle the adoption. J really wanted to get things moving and it sounded like she really wanted us to parent her baby. But we haven't heard from her since.

Our social worker called awhile ago to see if we had heard anything more because our agency hadn't. She said they had called around today to some more agencies and attorneys in Texas to try to help find one for the potential birth mom to work with. One agency said that 3 other agencies had contacted them with the exact same scenario -- expectant mom due Friday in Texas, interested in one of their families, still needs an adoption professional to work with, etc. So now our agency is concerned that the potential birth mom has contacted several families and hasn't actually picked one yet. Our social worker was planning to give J a call today to see how she is doing and what is going on. I also e-mailed her earlier, but haven't heard back.

As far as the other potential birth mom with the 5-year-old daughter and baby due in November, we heard from her again over the weekend. She said she sent our agency an e-mail and has now narrowed down her list of families to two -- one that lives near her and us.

Have we found our match in either of these situations? I just don't know at this point. I guess that still remains to be seen.

The Saga Continues ...

2005-09-10T10:00:00.000-05:00

My life is a whirlwind and I am caught up in the middle of it.

Last night another potential birth mom J contacted via us e-mail. She said she is from Texas and is being induced THIS FRIDAY! She wants us to be there to adopt her baby boy. Shortly after I responded to her e-mail, she called. She is a very sweet girl and this appears to be the perfect match for us. She wants to speak to someone from our agency right away, so I have left messages for our social worker at her home and on her cell phone. We are just waiting to hear back.

If this happens, it will be fast! We would need to hire an adoption professional in Texas, get our affairs in order, buy a few baby essentials, book a flight and hotel and then head to Texas in just a few days. We are excited, nervous and overwhelmed right now. I could hardly sleep last night. Things look promising so far, and we sure hope this one works for us!

Riding Waves

2005-09-06T12:50:00.000-05:00

One thing I've learned about adoption is that things always come in waves. For weeks or even months, you hear nothing and then all of a sudden, everything starts happening at once. Today, I am experiencing one of those waves.

This morning, I was sitting at home creating a new adoption web page while contactors were pounding and sawing away to install our new roof. The phone rang and it was a potential birth mom! I was so caught off guard. We talked for a few minutes and I asked her some questions. She was from our home state, but after learning more about her, I discovered that it wasn't the right situation for us. So, I referred her to our agency. Maybe another couple will be a good match for her.

About an hour later, I heard from a second potential birth mom, also from Michigan. She contacted us via e-mail and said she was looking for a family for her 5-year-old daughter and baby due in November. She wants both children to go to the same family. I responded to her questions and will now wait to hear from her again.

Keep your fingers crossed!

A New Path

2005-08-30T17:07:00.000-05:00

I had planned to take a break from my adoption efforts. I tried for about a week to take a step back and not focus so much on adoption. Although I am not spending nearly as much time searching for a child as I once was, I quickly discovered that I cannot stop doing everything in my power to help us become parents. It's just not who I am.

So, instead of simply waiting and letting our online profile and our past networking efforts work for us, I have been busy thinking of taking a new path to parenthood. I feel it is time to try something different to see if it works for us. My husband and I have been discussing hiring an adoption attorney or out-of-state agency in addition to working with our current agency here in Michigan. We think this will help increase our chances of finding a child sooner.

Of course, that means additional costs. However, the upfront fees of adding another agency are fairly reasonable when compared to the amount of money we have already invested in the adoption process and our advertising efforts. In the event we are matched through this other agency, our adoption would cost more than twice as much as it would through our agency. Even though I am a very conservative spender, I would rather have very little money in the bank and be a happy parent, than to have a nice savings and remain childless.

The Night I Kissed My Child Good-Bye

2005-08-28T16:37:00.000-05:00

After reading my poems and thinking about the past, I remembered something that happened to me after my first miscarriage.

I was going through a really hard time back then. I was having anxiety, panic attacks and depression for several months following my loss. I was a complete wreck and was unable to let go of what had happened. I was so completely and totally devastated that I didn't know if I would ever recover.

Then one night I fell asleep and an amazing thing happened. In my dreams, God brought my precious baby to me. He said I could only have one day with her, but he wanted me to have a chance to love and care for her before I said good-bye.

So that night I held her, fed her, changed her and rocked her. I kissed her tiny, soft cheek and told her how much I loved her. I did all of the things a new mom would do. It all felt so very real, and I was so happy to finally meet my child. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

After I had some time with her, God returned and told me it was time to say good-bye. I reluctantly did, and he disappeared with my child. I cried again, but woke up feeling like I had actually spent time with my daughter.

And who knows, maybe I did.

Poems From the Past

2005-08-28T16:15:00.000-05:00

Since there is nothing new to report on the adoption process, I thought I'd share some poems that relate to our journey to become parents. I wrote the first one in memory of our first unborn child, who we lost in April 1999. We planted a rose bush in her honor, which grew and thrived despite the sorrow we felt. I always viewed that rose bush as a sign of hope for the future and some time later wrote this poem.

The Precious Rose

From love’s sweet embrace
She was created
Destined for greater things
And as we awaited her arrival
A storm brewed within
Threatening to take her
From those closest to her heart
Tender rose petals
Shed from the stem that once gave life
Dreams dissolved
Hope shattered
But the rose remains

(2/14/2001)

The next poem is in memory of our second unborn child, who we lost in 2003.

Tiny Bud

A tiny bud forms – and life begins
The bud is nurtured
By the warmth of the sun
By the love of its admirers
By the soothing touch of the wind
Yet it is never more than just a bud

It is no less real or beautiful
Than the flower it was supposed to be
But we will never see it grow
Or thrive
Or flourish
We can never smell its sweet scent
Or gently touch its soft petals

But we cannot dismiss it
It is an important part of nature itself
For without that bud, there can be no life
It holds the key
To dreams unrealized
To hopes unfulfilled
And to a promise of better things to come

(2/27/03)

Almost ... But Not Quite

2005-08-19T10:14:00.000-05:00

We heard back from birth mom "H" via e-mail, and I also spoke to her on the phone. She is a very nice and intelligent girl with a good head on her shoulders. So much about her and her situation is just perfect for us -- except for one very important thing. Unfortunately, this one factor makes us unable to proceed with an adoption with her.

My husband and I are both very disappointed. We wish her well and hope she finds the right family for her baby soon!

As far as the other situations, we never heard back from any of the potential birth moms who contacted us. And, the 4-year-old girl we were being considered for is being adopted by her foster parents. So, I guess we've reached the bottom of yet another hill on the adoption roller coaster.

Keep the prayers and positive thoughts coming our way!

Could This Be It?

2005-08-13T19:24:00.000-05:00

We received an e-mail this morning from a very nice young woman who is due to have a baby any day now. She lives in our home state and seems very interested in us. She said if the short notice is o.k., she thinks her baby would make a good son for us! Of course, the short notice is fine with us! We don't want to get our hopes up too much yet, but we are understandably excited. We look forward to talking to her and hope that this is meant to be.

Getting Closer

2005-08-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

Is our long and difficult journey to parenthood almost over? I have a strong feeling that it is. I know it sounds weird, but I can feel it. We are definitely getting closer. Our day is coming soon.

If you need some proof of this, check out our recent adoption activity. Here is a look at what has happened in just the past week:

Last Saturday - We heard from yet another potential birth mother through e-mail -- our 3rd contact in just 3 weeks! Like the previous 2 women who e-mailed us, she lives in our home state. She's 20 years old, married with 2 children and going to school. Ironically, she grew up in the same towns as my husband and me. Since I am always looking for the meaning of everything, this bit of information left me wondering: Is this a sign it's meant to be or is it just a coincidence? Only time will tell.

Yesterday - We got a phone message from another potential birth mom. She was from a neighboring state and said she was trying to get a hold of us or our agency. Unfortunately, she had been trying to contact our agency all day, but they were out of the office. I am usually home, but had a lot going on yesterday, so I missed her call also. She didn't leave a number, so I have no way of calling her back. She did say she would try calling again later, but so far we haven't heard from her again. I felt really bad that I missed that call. I sure hope she didn't give up on us!

Today - I also found out about a beautiful 4-year-old girl available for adoption. I submitted an inquiry and am waiting to hear back from her social worker.

As you can see, we've had a lot of adoption activity lately. So say some prayers, keep your fingers crossed and send your positive vibes our way. But even if you don't, I know that we are definitely getting closer to the moment we've dreamed about for 6 long years. We will be parents soon!

Unanswered Questions

2005-07-27T11:17:00.000-05:00

There's no doubt adoption raises many unanswered questions. It's a very uncertain process with no definite time frames, no guarantees and no explanations for how or why things work the way they do. Throughout our adoption journey, I've asked myself many questions. I've tried to understand. And I've worked hard to be patient and to have faith. Although no one knows for sure why events happen the way they do, it is reassuring and helpful to consider the possible answers to our unanswered questions.

Here are a few questions that seem to come up throughout the adoption process, along with some responses we've encountered through research and from others.

Q) Why is it taking so long for us to become parents?
A) Finding a healthy Caucasian baby is difficult, since there are so many waiting couples and so few of these babies available. According to family.org, there are approximately 40 qualified couples waiting for every baby available. The Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange (MARE) supports this statement when it says: "In Michigan, the "waiting for an infant" list currently runs between three and five years if you're interested in adopting a perfectly healthy Caucasian child under the age of one. And Michigan is not unique; most other states also have a years-long waiting list for infants, too. It is estimated that each year there are 25,000 infants available for adoption -- and one million families waiting for those infants."

A) Single parents are very much accepted today, so there are a lot more single woman choosing to raise their child. Adoptionhistory.org says: "While 60-70% of unmarried women had their child adopted years ago, today one-third have abortions and a staggering 96% of the rest choose to become single parents."

A) The child who is meant to be with us hasn't found us yet.

A) The time is not right yet. God has a plan for us and we need to wait for his timing.

Q) Why do many of the potential birth moms who contact us initially never call or e-mail again?
A) They changed their mind about adoption. This is highly likely since many single woman ultimately choose abortion or parenting over adoption.

A) They are having a difficult time with their decision and need to think things through. This is also a highly likely scenario. So much emotion and thought goes into deciding to place a baby for adoption. I once read that potential birth moms -- even once they decide on adoption -- re-evaluate their decision repeatedly throughout their pregnancy.

A) They decided we weren't the right family for their baby.

A) They miscarried.

Q) Why us? Why do so many people have an easy time having children, but we are faced with such difficulties?
A) No one knows the answer to this question. But one day when I was asking why, I heard these lyrics from a Green Day song. They seemed to speak to me.

"So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life."

Here's to hoping that in the end, it is right! :)

The Latest News

2005-07-22T08:45:00.000-05:00

Today we heard from another potential birth mom through e-mail! I have e-mailed her back and am waiting to hear from her again. Keep your fingers crossed!

We also heard of a potential birth mom expecting twins in our home state through a referral service who found us on the Internet. Unfortunately, this situation was too risky for us.

Still no word from the expectant mom who contacted us last week.

The Mystery of Suspense

2005-07-18T20:57:00.000-05:00

I enjoy a good suspense novel and especially like Mary Higgins Clark. I also like to see a good suspense movie every now and then. But in my own life, I would much rather like to know what is going on right away -- the sooner, the better. Just please don't keep me hanging!

I certainly haven't meant to keep all of you hanging since my last blog entry about the potential birth mom who e-mailed us. The truth is, I have been distracted by other things and don't really have any news to share.

The expectant mother who contacted us did respond to my first e-mail to her. She even told us more about herself and asked us a question about how close we are to her work. (Turns out she lives in our state and works about a hour from our home.) I promptly responded and asked her a couple of questions. Unfortunately, we haven't heard back from her.

I don't know if she changed her mind, didn't feel comfortable sharing more about herself or is having a difficult time with her decision. Maybe she is still planning to write again, but isn't sure what else to say. Perhaps, she just needs some time to sort things out.

So, for now, I will stay in suspense. I will probably write to her one more time to let her know we understand she has a lot to think about and give her our agency contact info to help her make the decision that is right for her.

Then, we will return to our suspense-filled adoption journey and hope that one day soon the mystery of how, when and where we will become parents will finally be answered.

Brief Update

2005-07-15T10:37:00.000-05:00

We heard from a potential birth mom yesterday through e-mail. It is very early in her pregnancy, so I'm not sure what will happen. But at least someone contacted us. I will write more when there is more to say.

Getting Through the Quiet Time

2005-07-13T10:07:00.000-05:00

The phone hasn't rung in a couple of weeks. Our adoption e-mail box is empty. We are now once again experiencing what I call "quiet time." That all too familiar lull in the adoption process when absolutely nothing is happening.

The quiet time is one of the hardest parts of the adoption process. You feel so helpless and unable to influence your future. You want so badly for the phone to ring or for an e-mail to come through. Time seems to stand still, while the world passes by around you.

Some days I handle the lull better than others. On bad days, I retreat into my own world. I stay inside and feel sorry for myself. On good days, I live the life that has been given to me. I keep busy by attending an exercise class and visiting my sister and her kids, who I adore. I help others. I go shopping. I take walks. I work on projects around the house. When my husband is home, we go out to dinner, see movies, visit friends and family, go for bike rides and enjoy the summer weather. All of these things make my life rewarding and enjoyable. I look around at all that I have and all the wonderful people I am surrounded by, and I feel truly lucky. I have everything I could ever want and have accomplished every goal I have set for myself -- except having children.

I know that once our family is complete, I will be complete. I know that our child exists somewhere out there, waiting to be found and brought home. I don't know when or where or how. But I do know one thing for certain: Each day that passes, we are one step closer to becoming parents.

Spreading the Word

2005-07-12T14:05:00.000-05:00

Anyone who pursues domestic adoption knows how important it is to spread the word that you are looking to adopt. In fact, many people have found their children through word of mouth, rather than waiting for a birthmom to come to their agency and pick them. Since beginning the adoption process, we have done an extensive amount of networking. Here is a look at our efforts and recent adoption activity.

Our Efforts

Since October 2003, we've done 339 things to find our child. Our efforts have included writing letters and e-mails to family and friends, purchasing newspaper and internet advertising, distributing flyers and adoption cards, creating a web site and online profile, searching state web sites for available children, registering with state adoption exchanges, submitting our home study to caseworkers, and much more!

Our Results

Since listing with ParentProfiles.com on April 19, 2005, we have received 12 contacts from potential birth moms. We were matched with one of them in May, but unfortunately things didn't work out.

Our personal adoption web page has received 1,689 hits and 1 direct birth mom contact.

Since we began our adoption journey, we've heard of 7 potential birth mothers and 1 sibling group of older children from friends and family members. None of these situations panned out, but we are thrilled that so many people are looking out for us.

Since April 2005, our Google Adwords ads have received 322,706 impressions and 311 clicks and visits to our web site.

In the past 5 months, more than 4,000 people have visited our adoption profile on ParentProfiles.com. Of those, 171 visited our contact us page and 13 added us to their favorites.

Hopefully, our efforts will soon pay off!

Updated by Dee on 9/8/05

Things Aren't Always As They Seem

2005-07-11T09:17:00.000-05:00

When we view others' lives from the outside, we often see perfection. We may even envy the people we see and think they have things better than us. But life is always more than meets the eye, and when we take a closer look, we may be surprised by what we find.

A good example of this is our neighbor. He is a friendly man with a wife and 2 beautiful children. He is a hard worker who takes good care of his home and yard. He works as a teacher and his wife owns her own business. He and his family seem to have an ideal life. I've always thought how lucky he is to have a such a wonderful family -- especially since having children hasn't been so easy for us. What I didn't know was how he got to where he is and the role he could potentially play in our own family.

My husband and I talked at great lengths with him yesterday for the first time and learned some very unexpected things. It started when he asked us if we were planning to have children. I told him we have been trying to adopt and that I have a condition that causes me to miscarry.

He told us that he had always thought of adopting. He then went on to share his story. It turns out he had cancer in his early 20s. His illness and the treatment left him unable to have biological children. He said this was very difficult for him and that he knows how we feel. He also told us that his girls are actually his wife's biological children from a previous marriage. He has raised them since they were little and thinks the world of them. He feels lucky to have such a wonderful family.

I totally did not expect any of this. From seeing them together, I had concluded that they were a "typical" family. I had no idea of the pain and suffering this man had endured to get to where he is today. I felt guilty for feeling sorry for myself when he had clearly suffered so much more than I ever had. I also had no idea of what he would say next.

Before becoming a teacher, our neighbor worked at a group foster home for children. He worked with many other social workers and knows a lot of people connected to adoption. I gave him a couple of our adoption cards and he seemed convinced that after calling his contacts, we would be getting phone calls about potential adoption situations. I told him how we had given out hundreds of these cards over the past 1 1/2 years. His response: "Well, you just may have given out the right two today."

Who knows what will happen. This may be how we form our family or it may not be. The important thing is that we made a new connection with someone who understands. And we learned that appearances are not just deceiving, they are a mear shadow of the picture hidden within.

Riding the Adoption Roller Coaster

2005-07-07T15:47:00.000-05:00

I've often heard others say that the adoption process is like a roller coaster ride, with many ups and downs. In fact, there are many similarities between riding a roller coaster and adoption.

With both adoption and roller coasters, you wait eagerly in anticipation to experience it. Once on the roller coaster, you are filled with many conflicting emotions -- fear, excitement, exhilaration, uncertainty. And, of course, there are the ups and downs!

Since beginning the adoption process, we have been faced with many ups and downs. Some days you are hopeful you will become a parent soon. Other days you feel like it will never happen. Your mood fluctuates from being excited and looking forward to having a child to being sad, frustrated and depressed when nothing happens or when a potential situation doesn't work out. I would guess you go through these feelings over and over again until you successfully adopt.

We are still hopefully waiting for that moment. That one point in time when we can finally get off the roller coaster, take our child into our arms and begin our life as a new family.

I often picture that moment. I see my husband and I meeting our child for the first time. My husband has a little smirk on his face. He looks both happy and terrified at the same time. I have tears streaming down my face and am overwhelmed by how absolutely perfect our child is. I feel a joy I never imagined. When it does happen, I suppose it will all seem like dream.

And for now, it is just a dream. A dream we've worked very hard to make come true. I really believe that some day it will. Hopefully, that day is coming soon. :)

We've Only Just Begun

2005-07-06T12:57:00.000-05:00

"We'll just adopt!"

We're all heard this before in movies, in books and on T.V. When a couple has trouble conceiving or having a baby, adoption is seen as an easy solution. In reality, this is far from the truth.

Adoption is anything but easy. It is a very complex, expensive and time-consuming process. I've heard it described as "an emotional roller coaster," "a pregnancy without a due date" and "not for the faint of heart."

As someone who has been in the adoption process for nearly two years, I've learned that all of these statements are true. The adoption process is indeed an overwhelming, frustrating and very emotional time in your life.

My husband and I first began exploring adoption in July 2003. After the losses and disappointment we experienced in the past, adoption gave us a sense of hope. We could still have the family we dreamed of!

We researched several adoption agencies and picked the one we felt most comfortable with. We met with the agency director in September 2003 and submitted our preliminary application shortly after.

The next step was our formal application, which was just the beginning of the mounds of paperwork that are required for an adoption. Here is a list of what we needed:

Financial documents -- bank statements, credit card statements, income tax returns, pay stubs and loan balances

Our assets and liabilities, including monthly payments for house, cars, utilities, groceries, gas and entertainment, as well as the value of our home, cars and other assets

Letters from our employers with employment and salary verification, health insurance coverage info and other benefit details

Reference letters from friends, family and coworkers on our character and ability to parent a child

Complete phyicals and blood tests from our family doctor, including tests for HIV, Hepatitis B, TB, hearing and vision

Copies of our driver's licenses, social security cards and marriage license

Very detailed autobiographies about our lives, including our childhoods and upbringing, our marriage, philosophy on discipline, our atttitudes regarding adoption and how we would explain it to our child

Forms for credit and background checks and certificates of identity

There may be more that was required, but this gives you a good idea of the amount of paperwork involved.

After we completed our application and mailed our fee, we began our home study with a licensed social worker. This was actually the easy part. The worker came to our home a few times and discussed the adoption process with us. She inspected our home and made sure it was in compliance with the laws of our state. We completed more paperwork and submitted an application for our foster license. When our home study was finished in January 2004, we felt like we were well on our way to becoming parents. Little did we know, our journey was far from over ...

NEXT TOPIC: The Roller Coaster Ride Begins

An Inconceivable Loss

2005-07-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

Some say there are no accidents in the universe. But surely someone must have goofed when they made it so difficult for me to have children.

So many people have told me they cannot think of anyone who would make a better mom. I am patient, responsible, organized, honest, loving and caring. I often put others before myself and enjoying helping people. And, I have some sort of strange vibe going on that makes children drawn to me. I cannot explain why. I am not one of those people who ooohs and aahs over babies and kids. I don't even talk all that much with children. It seems that all I need to do is smile. And then kids I have never met start talking to me, babies walk over and bring me their toys -- it is so weird. When I meet my friends' babies for the first time, they warm up to me right away. Within minutes, they are smiling at me and letting me hold them, even if they are typically shy or leary of new faces.

It just seems natural that I should be a mom. Unfortunately, my journey to parenthood has been anything but natural. It all started in 1999 when I became happily pregnant for the first time. I was so looking forward to becoming a mother. I dreamed of all the cool things my husband and I would do with our kids. I had always wanted children and was so excited that it was actually going to happen. Then, one day at work when I was in the bathroom, I noticed bleeding. A wave of fear came over me and I knew at that moment that my dreams of becoming a mother were about to be shattered. To make a long and painful story short, I miscarried. It was one of the most devastating times in my life. I won't go into the details here because it is personal and I don't care to relive that horrible experience. What I will say is that after terrible pain, emergency surgery, a terrifying ride in an abulance and nearly a year of depression and anxiety, I wasn't in a big hurry to repeat that experience again. So I put parenthood on hold while I healed, became stronger and found the courage to try again.

When I became pregnant the second time, I cried tears of great joy. Again, I was so excited about becoming mom. This time I bought books on pregnancy and some maternity clothes. I'll never forget the night my husband said he loved me and then added to my stomach: "I love you too, baby." Unfortunately, not long after that, the familar abdominal pain returned and so did the bleeding. I once again miscarried.

After visits to my OB/GYN, a perinatalogist and a rheumatologist, along with a host of blood tests, doctors concluded I had antiphospholipid syndrome. This condition can cause many health problems, with the most common being recurrent pregnancy loss. In fact, women who have it have about a 90-95 percent chance of miscarrying. The treatment is self-administered, twice-daily injections of heparin (a blood thinner) combined with baby aspirin throughout the pregnancy. I was not at all comfortable with the treatment and the risks involved, so having a baby became nearly impossible for us. As you can imagine, it was very difficult to accept that my husband and I would not be able to have the child we so desired.

In July 2003, after a lot of soul-searching, we decided to pursue domestic adoption. I will write more about that in my next posting.

NEXT TOPIC: We've Only Just Begun